Archive for June, 2012

Injection tips.

2012-06-24

I know there are many more experts on the subject out there than me. I just wanted to drop a word to you guys out there who have to give their wives injections.

I have to admit since we’ve got a dog who is diabetic and has to get her insulin shots twice a day I’m probably a little more comfortable with a syringe than most.

No, I’m not comparing my wife to a dog. Shut up.

Anyway here are the rules guys.

1)Relax
You aren’t going to be doing an “in the vein tourniquet kind of shot”. The injections you’ll be giving (if you have to do injections) are going to be subcuaneous (under the skin) or
intamuscular (into the muscle). If the injection was one those that has to go directly into a vein then a) they wouldn’t trust you to do it and b) an actual doctor or nurse would give it. Even though there is a chance you could mess up your cycle there is little chance you could mess up so bad that you’ll kill her.

2) No wimp zone
I totally get there may be some of you that may get a little uneasy about prepping and shooting your wives with a syringe full of chemicals. If needles freak you out then my only words for you are “get over it”. Seriously. You’re a man. Being a man means sometimes putting on a furrowed brow and punching through the fear. This is that time. Your wife is probably already scared enough without you telliing her she needs to do it on her own. She needs you. Suck it up and get it done. You know as well as I that as a guy you have to play off things lke they’re no big deal even though you’re about to vomit on the inside.

3) Do Your Homework
There’s a darn good chance there are videos out there showing you how to give the injections. Reading injection instructions are never as good as watching somebody actually do it. If your doctor or clinic doesn’t have links to injection tutorial videos the drug maker probably does. Its called Google. Nothing will help you better than watching the videos as you go along. I strongly reccommend watching the entire video before you actually give the shot. Its like cooking with a recipe you haven’t read all the way. You’ll get to the next step only to realize there was something you’re missing.

4) Think of a time she pissed you off
Nothing will help you jam that needle in more than thinking of the time she threw away your favorite screened tee or proclaimed publicly in front of your freinds that you were in fact NOT goiing on the fishing trip. There is something satisfying in popping that syringe into her.

5) Don’t give her the shot at all
If you found any satisfaction at all in thinking about following rule four you’re a terrible husband and not ready to be a father. Really dude? That’s how you’re going to treat the future mother of your children? Shame on you.

6)Ice Ice Baby
Ha ha get it. Ice Ice Baby. Yeah, see what I did there. Nothing helps numb up an injection site more than ice. Since the injection will be easier if she doesn’t jump, scream, cry, pull back, etc then I hijghly reccommend having her ice up the injection area immediately before you give it to her. Works like a charm for us.

So there are your tips for shooting up your wife. Follow them carefully and let me know if you have more tips to share with those other fathers on the Road To Daddyhood. (Shameless Plug).

The Happy Room aka Making Love To A Cup

2012-06-24

Our fertility clinic (the best in San Antonio and probably the world) has special rooms set aside for the male species to provide samples. They affectionately call it “The Happy Room”.

In fact they even have multicolored spermies painted on the floor all leading to the Happy Room. Both cute and humiliating at the same time.

When a man (by himself) is sitting in the waiting room all but the new patients know what he’s there for.

It sounds simple enough. Go to a private room. Masturbate. Ring the bell for the attendant. Done.

Well it should work that way. It’s a little more uncomfortable than that.

I see the nurse’s lips move. But I don’t really hear her the first time. I’m so uncomfortable and just nodding my head so she’ll leave. Then I realize that I might actually need to follow her instructions. Name and birthday on the cup. Got it. Ring the bell when done. Got it.

In the Happy Room there’s a TV monitor pre-loaded with 4-5 adult movies. Touchscreen. I don’t know if that’s good or gross. The touchscreen that is. Also in the room is a cushioned chair with a paper cover on the seat. A little plastic drawer set on rollers. A sink. I found out three of four visits later that there was also a magazine rack full of playboys and maxims.

I decided to turn on a movie and of course it picked up mid-moan and I quickly discovered I had no control over the volume. So moans and “oh yes baby”‘s are blaring loud enough that I’m convinced the entire clinic can hear it. I’m pushing the screen repeatedly, hard and fast (pardon the pun). Now its leaving the movies completely and somehow I’ve gotten to an entirely different screen and the Windows media player is asking me if I want to download music. I’m convinced that somebody in another room is monitoring the computer and will be knocking on the door at any moment to tell me to stop screwing up their computer.

I finally get it shut off. I drop my pants and decide and to get to work. I think of the sexiest thoughts I can. As soon as I come to attention (if you know what I mean) I realize there is a problem with the chair. First, its very low. Secondly, when I’m at attention and sitting in it my soldier is pointing upwards. Usually not a problem but I have to get my delivery downward into a cup.

So it’s hard to think sexy when your ass is half hanging off a chair barely 18” off the ground, with your pants dangling around your ankles, sterile doctor paper under your butt, trying to point your member downwards with it banging the edge of a cup with every stroke. Not exactly sexiness.

Needless to say I get the job done. Awkwardness over? Nope.

I put the lid on the cup. I put the cup on the clipboard on the drawer set. I feel a little more relaxed. I wash my hands and go to pull out a paper towel to dry my hands. Heaven forbid I hand over my specimen with dripping wet hands. As I go to reach for a paper towel my jaw drops in horror as I realize the paper towel dispenser is directly over the clipboard and paperwork. Oh my god! I can’t get a paper towel without risking dripping water onto the paperwork. I’m mortified at the thought of turning paperwork in that has wet spots all over it. But at the same time I can’t have wet spots on my pants or shirt either. What will I do? I could air dry but I’ve already been in the room for what seems like an eternity. Like a fitting room at Target I’m waiting for someone to start knocking on the door “Are you doing OK?”.

So I opt to air dry. Check off the last items on the checklist (No there wasn’t any “spillage”) and ring the bell for the nurse. She comes along and checks the paperwork. She’s getting ready to turn when….oh no….I didn’t put my information on the actual cup. She hands me a sharpie and with my guys swishing around in the clear cup (right at her eye level by the way) I have to write my name and birthday on the cup with a sharpie.

As I leave all the doctors and nurses smile and nod on my way out. I’m convinced those smiles mean “we know what you did” and aren’t actually just remarkably good customer service.

Thus ends the tale of my first visit to the Happy Room.

Dreaded Two Week Wait

2012-06-24

We’re at it again. We’re in the dreaded two week wait. Some moments I forget that we’re waiting to see if we’re finally a family. Other times the thought of ten more days is terrifying. We were supposed to be doing an egg retrieval on Wednesday for our IVF. Not so. Don’t count your eggs before they hatch. OK, that’s a fertility joke. OK, maybe not the funniest one.

It really did boil down to eggs for us. Wow! I’m batting a 1000 with these puns. Ok, think. Try to get back on track. I think I’m OK now.

We were scheduled for an IVF. We paid the amazingly insane costs for all the medicines (Did I mention over $1600?). Then less than a week before we were supposed to do the egg retrieval we got bad news. Her eggs weren’t maturing at the same rate. She had one really mature eggs and several eggs that weren’t quite there.  What does that mean? No IVF (this month).

The doctor told us that it wasn’t quite worth it to do an entire egg retrieval for a single egg. Since the majority of the cost and the biggest surgical part of IVF is the retrieval. One egg = no go. Technically the could do it but the odds are in our favor if we wait until they can get multiple eggs. So that means we’re doing yet another round of IUI. This will be our fifth.

We do have slightly better odds this time though than our past IUI’s. Since we got and initially started the medications for the IVF the chances of success go up significantly.

We actually used the IVF trigger to cause the ovulation. This meant a shot in the butt this time. I’ve given my wife plenty of shots in the stomach before (we’re experts after five IUI’s) but giving her a shot in the ass (boyish giggle) was something new. What made things more complicated was that my wife was working late the night we were supposed to give her the trigger. As usual I waited until the last minute before leaving the house meaning I was scrambling to watch and rewatch the training videos and take notes before heading to her work. Luckily she’s got a great boss who agreed to let her use one of the executive offices to get the shot. Her boss doesn’t know thew full details of what we’re doing only that I need to give her a shot.

Yeah so we get to use HR’s office. I can actually say I got to pull down my wife’s pants in a Human Resources office of a major retail company and gave her a shot if the ass.

What a day.

 

Grief and Neglect

2012-06-11

Has it been long enough between my posts?

I know (like so many other things) that this blog has turned into another one of those things that once started have become quickly forgotten and neglected.

I know now that this blog definitely won’t be in chronological order. There has been, is, and will be way too much for me to talk about things actually in order. The most significant event since my last post without doubt has been our miscarriage. We thought we were incredibly lucky. When we got pregnant on our very first IUI cycle we joked aloud that it couldn’t be that easy on us. Things are never that easy on us. They weren’t.

My wife had a miscarriage at seven weeks. It’s was devastating. That was October. Writing this now in June we’ve been through 4 unsuccessful IUI cycles and are right smack dab in an IVF cycle. W’e’ve experienced so much and there is so much I want to say but looking at my last posts I know my future posts won’t be chronological. Part of the reason I delayed and lagged in posting here again was I wanted to do it chronologically. I think now it’s better to actually get writing than too necessarily worry about the order.

There’s more to come in the future.