Archive for the ‘Fertiity’ Category

The weirdest thing

2013-06-05

It’s been quite a while since I’ve posted. Things have changed….ALOT! During the past 3 years or so we’ve been through multiple failed IUI cycles. We’ve been through a failed IVF cycle. Then of course the miscarriage. We’ve watched the insurance and fertility money just whittle away to nothing. We seem to have had more downs than ups. After the failed IVF and the exhaustion of fertility financing we decided to take some time to focus on ourselves. Well, that’s what we said anyway.

The reality is, full disclosure, that our fertility clinic miscalculated the insurance coverage so we were left with.a $5k bill from them. We’ve struggled to pay it off. We’re not destitute but we are impulsive and not very good with money. The financial side of things did give us a bona file chance to get our emotional batteries recharged. I started running and have lost close to 60 lbs. my wife started her own healthy journey and has lost 40. Physically we’re in a much better place. I’m thinking of doing my first half marathon in November and she was thinking about the Disney Princess half marathon in February. Getting fit physically has given us a much better outlook on life. It’s given us confidence and a sense of purpose. It grounds us and connects us. We just feel right. Except for the absence of a child.

During the last year or so we just haven’t talked about it. It’s been the pink elephant in the room. We both desperately want children. We both know what we need to do have one. But neither one of us seem to want to talk about it. We talk about running and fitness and future races. We talk about how good (well better) we look and how much better we feel. We talk about planning vacations around races and about the future. But not about children.

We didn’t give up. We still timed ovulation cycles and did the “baby dance” (that’s means sex for the uninitiated) faithfully and with the diligence of a Spartan being marched off to face an unstoppable force. More than once I heard “climb on and do your business”. We did it because that’s what couples struggling with infertility do. We knew with her PCOS and our history of failed cycles under medical supervision the chances we’d get pregnant we’re infinitesimal. But we did what we had to so we could to hold onto that one thin microscopic thread of hope. At least we could say we were doing something.

But every once in a great while something unexpected happens. Something miraculous. Sometimes life will surprise you. Sometimes God likes to sneak up on you and whisper in your here “See, I really was listening.” Well, He punked us good. On Friday my wife tested positive. She’s pregnant. Somehow we’ve given a gift. A special child. The doctors and tens of thousands of dollars couldn’t do it. But somehow there is a seed of life.

A new chapter and a new focus is beginning.

The Road to Daddyhood

2011-07-12

I want to be a Dad. I really want to be Dad.

I’m 41. I’m married. I don’t have kids. If you are my age or older (and you don’t have kids) you’ve learned to roll your eyes and bite your tongue every time someone asks you “Any kids? Why not” or grrrrrrr “What are you waiting for?”. I’ve been called a DINK (double income no kids) half a dozen times. It’s at the same time funny, tiring, embarrassing, and yes, painful.

If you’ve struggled with infertility you  know how I, no “We”, feel. I know there are a lot of women who blog about their struggles with infertility. There aren’t as many men that blog about those struggles.

Since I am so long winded and verbose who better than I to share the very blunt, direct, and brutally honest feelings of a man going through these struggles. If there are other men who are already blogging about this then please please leave their blog addresses in the comments below. Let me know I’m not alone.

At 41 (and my wife at 33) we’ve managed to live in denial for long enough that we woke up recently and said “holy crap, a baby is not going to magically fall into our hands.”  I feel like we woke up with a biological clock that is wired to 20 tons of TNT. Not to say, my wife is explosive, she’s not (well not usually). But what I’m trying to say is like a college student who realizes at 11 PM that a forgotten term paper is due the next morning, so my wife and I realizing how quickly time is running out.

There are medical issues. My wife has PCOS (Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome). That’s not to say it’s all because of her condition. We won’t know for sure until 2 weeks from now if it is her, me, or both of us. If you don’t know about PCOS look it up. Its a very common Endocrinol disorder. It grows “little chocolate chips” on my wife’s ovaries. At least that’s how her endocrinologist described it to her once. “But they aren’t really chocolate chips” her doctor added. Really? As if my wife really needed confirmation  the Keebler Elves weren’t sneaking into her kooch and hiding their secret stash.

Medical issues weren’t the only thing our way. There was also our arch enemy….the one true betrayer…..The Great P.

Procrastination.

Our own fault. Yes, I know. There were appointments we didn’t keep. Medications we didn’t taken the way we were supposed to. I’m not pointing fingers. It wasn’t only her medications or appointments. It was mine too. We lived on the daydream of adoption for over a year. We found a terrific organization. We got excited. Took the first couple of steps. Then managed to procrastinate until (because of my age) we slid past the age limit for that organization. Adoption is still in our future. We both do sincerely want to adopt.

I just feel like the door is quickly closing on the biological option. Its countdown time.

If it doesn’t happen then it doesn’t happen. I’m OK with that. I just want to be able to say we’ve done everything we could. We tried everything we tried.

So hopefully the posts in the following days will share the funny, blunt, embarrassing, sad, and true experiences as she and I work towards resolving our fertility issues. Come along with us. Wont’t you?